Being Stretched

This week I am feeling stretched.

Thankfully, the last little bit of time has not been overwhelming to me. It has been a gift. A respite. It has had its challenges like every life does, but I have felt quite hopeful. Happy. Even content. This week, though, I feel stretched. I feel like God has picked me up and placed me right back in the center of having to be totally dependent on Him. The place that I am always supposed to be, but the place that is nearly impossible to remain. But as the storms are brewing and I can feel my footing slip a bit, I find myself clawing my way back to Him. It's not pretty, but it is happening nonetheless... so there's a bright spot.

There are several things that need to change drastically in our family right now. Some of them are "big" things, some are "small", and all of them are important to those of us that are affected by them. They all take faith and trust in the One that is in control and coming to the realization once again that we are not in control. The place that I find myself today is the place of surrendering to God's sovereign plan for my life and realizing, yet again, that He is not my genie in a bottle that I can manipulate so that I get the things that I want.

I want Him.

That is all.

Just Him.

And to want Him, I must die to myself. My wishes. My comfort zone. And that hurts, and I don't like to hurt. And it is a constant battle of surrender, and I hate battle. And it is uncomfortable, and I am a creature of comfort. But today, I choose to surrender to Him even if I have to do it a gazillion times. Or a gazillion and one times, for that matter. Because He is better than everything else that is out there. His ways don't always make sense, but they are always best, and His best - not mine - is all that I want.

So, today I have spent a lot of time talking to my Heavenly Father... and talking to a dear friend... and blogging... and listening to my new Steven Curtis Chapman CD... and eating my chocolate bar that I got for Christmas.

Because this, among many other things, is what I have to figure out how to do. Again.

Move.

And as much as I am ready to be away from many of the circumstances in the house, I am not ready to uproot my kids again. I am not ready to work like a dog to pack up all that we own. I am not ready to find a new place for us to call home, knowing that it is not a permanent place to raise our family. I am not ready for the fight that will inevitably be coming with the landlord that we have have fought for 2 years. I am not ready... but it is time.

So, today I am being stretched. And it hurts. But I trust Him.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified... for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6