Reconciling

Reconciling.  That is the process that seriously began for me 5 1/2 years ago when I lost my first baby.  It became much more intense when I lost my second baby 6 months later.  And when my family had to move away from our home a little over a year ago, I was at a total loss.  Literally. I had lost more than what I felt was "fair".  I had handled more than I thought I should be expected to handle. I was a good person.  I was a good mom.  Corey was a hard working man. We tried to live by the values that we found in the Bible.  We tried to make decisions based on what we felt God wanted for our life.  And still... there was so much loss. When I would talk to people in those early days I remember saying, "I am just having trouble reconciling all of it."  I never felt like God owed me anything... like if I did "x and y" He was obligated to do "z"... but I did think that there were certain things that were happening to me that were simply unfair. Actually, "unfair" is not even an intense enough word to describe it.  There were certain things that happened to me and our family in those years that were consequences of choices, but other things that happened were just bad luck... or whatever you want to call it. Life, I guess.  Those are the things that I think were the hardest to reconcile.  Why would we be given a baby at all, if it was only going to die after 12 weeks in my womb?  Why would our prayers be clearly answered and the desires of our hearts given to us if they were not intended to be ours for the long haul?  There was no way to reconcile it all in my brain.  And that was frustrating.  Beyond frustrating.  Painful.  Confusing. 

Today, some time has past and I am no closer to reconciling loss and the reason that life takes the horrible turns that it sometimes does now than I was back then.  But I am not so frustrated. Actually,  today I am at peace.  I am not in control of the big picture.  I don't have to try to be. Someone much more brilliant than me is.  He knows everything.  He creates everything.  He gives.  He takes away. And in all of that, He cares enough about me to work everything together for good for me.  I don't have to understand it all.  I just have to trust Him.  I don't have to reconcile it.  I have to have faith.

And I do.

That is the amazing part of my story.  In the midst of a time where it would have been easy to get mad and bitter, God has granted me the faith to trust Him.  It is not because of anything that I have done.  It is all because of Him.  

Don't get me wrong.  It is not that I don't sometimes lose sight of the truths that I have come to cling to - those that I live with can testify to that.  I do. But in those times, when I have found my way out of the doubt and darkness, I am drawn back to what I know is true.  He will never leave me or forsake me, and I can do anything with the strength that He provides.

I can honestly say that today - the anniversary of my little one's miscarriage - is different than any other day like this that I have had before.  I knew it was coming, but I did not dread it as intensely as I have in previous years.  I have had a "normal" day with the kids - not one filled with depression like in previous years.  I am sad.  I will always be sad that I did not get to raise those 2 babies.  But I am okay.  Today, the things that I have cried over are the thankfulness I feel for my 3 living children.  I feel so blessed that I get to love and hold and kiss and touch and teach them.  I have cried because I have been so touched by the friends and family that have remembered me and remembered that day 5 years ago with me.  And I have cried because - to be honest - there have been moments today where I can literally feel the same pain in my heart that I felt that day 5 years ago.  And those moments hurt.  (While I was writing this, Cooper was in my lap, and he rubbed my face and said, "Mom, what is this slippery stuff on your face?")  But I am not hopeless.  I am actually more hopeful than ever, I think.  In the last few years my eyes have been opened to things about "real life" that I had never known before.  I now have an outlook that I didn't have a few years ago.  I have a higher "pain tolerance", I guess you could say.  I feel a little more free to live... knowing that pain is just part of the process. And I have a different kind of understanding of and relationship with God than I ever had... before I had so much to reconcile.  For that, I am thankful.