Today Cooper and I headed out to look at a couple of preschools that I am considering for next year. Before we left, I was excited. I had narrowed my choices down to 2 schools out of a gazillion. In researching those 2, I had gotten excited about all that he might learn and do at preschool. Both tours were nice. Both directors and all of the teachers that we came into contact with seemed really friendly, and both schools had Cooper's #1 request - a playground! At both places he would go to chapel, learn Spanish, do art... all the preschool stuff that you would expect.
When we drove away from the second school, I realized that my excitement had turned to a sick feeling in my stomach. My baby - possibly my last baby - going to school. I know... it's just preschool, but it is a step away from me. If I do this, my job will no longer be to take care of him 24 hours a day. Still 19 hours a day, but not 24. I will still be a full-time mom... just a full-time mom with a much needed break twice a week, but somehow in my mommy-heart this is hard for me. The thought that all of my babies will be away from me... without the hope of another baby coming to fill the "baby spot" in this mommy's house and heart... It just somehow fills empty. Like if I really, actually send him to preschool that something is over. A significant stage in my life. Over. And I am not ready. I know that it is inevitable and necessary that he grow up and experience each new and different stage of his little life, but I am not ready to be done with this stage of mine.
Now I know why some mom's cry when they take their kids to their first day of kindergarten. It is not because they don't want or need the few hours of a break that they get while their kids are in someone else's very capable, loving hands. It is because it is just weird... almost wrong-feeling to me... to conclude this stage of life with children.
I watched you, little one.
Every moment that I could.
I soaked you in.
Every hour of every day.
I knew I should.
I knew that I had to.
And still, it was not enough.
10 comments:
That was teary. :) It's hard to let go, huh? But just think of those peaceful mornings at Starbucks. I'm a bit jealous. :)
I know! Just today at lunch with a friend as Cooper was putting his fingers in my mouth while I was trying to talk, I was thinking... Preschool doesn't sound so bad! A break every once in a while will be nice. It is more of a life-stage-ending-thing that makes me sad... not the mommy-break-thing. That actually makes me kind of happy! :)
Oh friend, this made me so sad. I know you want every advantage for Cooper, but I also know where your heart is on the cessation of this particular life stage. Praying for your peace...
I, too, was very excited about Clinton going to preschool, but had that sick feeling when I dropped him off the first day. But he LOVES it and seeing that smile on his face when I drop him off makes it easy to drop off now! I'm sure after a couple of "peaceful mornings at Starbucks", you'll feel better about it... :-)
Well that made me cry. I am super sad about Claire moving a stage up this life ladder and I know there are more in my future. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I am so sorry.
I'm an idiot!!! I'm sorry that I didn't clue in on my own! I think the thought even raced briefly through my mind, but didn't stay. OF COURSE you're sad!!! I would be too!!! I'm so sorry for the pain that you're feeling right now. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I don't look forward to being in that place one day...because I'll be sad too. I love you! I hope you are able to sleep tonight. I'll be praying that you will!!!
Oh Amy, I know this is hard. I feel it to in different stages of my babies lives. Praying for peace.
Well spoken. I can definitely relate! I was very excited for all of my kids to be in school, but now that they are - I'm trying to figure out who I am. I've been a stay at home mom for 9 1/2 years (minus one) and now I don't know what to do with myself!! I've become a baby-stalker... ha, ha
I felt that same tug when Caleb went to kinder. 5 days... 8am-3pm... was suddenly a long time away. And realizing that I was not the only influence in his life. I think we can all relate to your feelings! I'm sure it's just compounded since he's the baby. Hang in there! Can't wait to hear where he's going to go!
All I can say is that it's a good thing no one walked through my work area while I read this post. Tears came trickling out of the corners of my eyes...for you, and for me as this brought fresh rememberance as I relived those oh so familiar feelings a lifetime ago, but yet so recent in light of eternity. I love you "sweet mama girl" and believe me... I will rejoice with you when the adjustment is made and you can totally embrace those 'mommy breaks' at Starbucks. :0) Cooper is a blessed little guy to have a mommy like you. When will her start pre-school? Next fall or soon?
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