Surrendering To Motherhood

I was at Half Price Books today looking for some books by a lady that I love that writes about mothering. (I have mentioned her here before. Her name is Sally Clarkson. She is great!) I didn't find any of her books today, but the title of another book in that section caught my attention and got me thinking. My thoughts were all spurred on by the title, mind you... not the actual book or author. (both of which I know nothing about)

The title of the book is Surrendering to Motherhood.

I have always wanted to be a mommy. Always. I have not, however, always wanted to live in a constant state of dying to myself and giving all that I have to everyone around me. When I first became a mom - and certainly after I had my second child - I was very concerned about myself. "Me-time." My hobbies. My breaks. My chance to serve at church. My time with my friends. My time to go places with my husband. While I loved and enjoyed my kids, I lived in a constant state of waiting for the next time that was mine. At the time, Corey was starting a new business (full-time) while still working his regular job (full time). We had no money and even less time for me. Needless to say, I was very frustrated that my life was full of giving and giving and giving and never, it seemed, receiving any time for myself. It was very easy to point my finger at my husband, at God, at my checkbook, at Corey's business... at anyone or anything that was responsible for my being in the position that I was in and/ or anyone or anything that was not helping me get out of it. I was constantly fighting for or at least impatiently waiting for "my turn". It rarely came.

When I got pregnant unexpectedly then lost that baby I realized - maybe for the first time in my many years of parenting - how desperately I wanted nothing on earth more than to be a mommy. As my two children were getting closer and closer to both being in school and my "break" was on the horizon, I longed to be "tied down" to home and diapers and carseats and strollers. Another pregnancy came and went, and I was heartbroken. I knew for certain that if I ever had the chance to have a baby again, my attitude would be different. I didn't quite have the word for it then... but today I do. If I ever got the chance again, I would surrender.

Thankfully, almost exactly three years ago I got that chance. I am not saying that I don't get frustrated or tired or flat-out "done" some days. But my heart and soul know that this is what I am here to do right now. It is not that I am not ever ready for an evening at Starbuck's or a night of scrapbooking, but I am not resentful when those times only come once in a blue moon because I have been at baseball games every weekend for months or have been working on school projects that consume my every waking hour.

This time with the kids is so fleeting. It is something that I only get to experience once. This is my window of opportunity to pour myself, my beliefs, my love into their lives. There will be time for time away someday, weeks where I can have lunch with friends every day if I want to, time to volunteer or work or clean. But for now, I am happily and peacefully and thankfully surrendered to this important job called Motherhood.