So, I've been mulling over this thought for a few weeks and last night the need to actually blog about it came to a head.
A friend of mine and I were talking recently about how she is having trouble breaking in to friendship circles. She tries and even thinks sometimes that she has, but alas she will realize (sometimes mid-conversation with another) that she has not. Upon listening to her, I realized that I - after living in the same town for 12 years and attending the same church for 8 years and my kids going to the same school for 6 years - still have trouble in some cases feeling like I am one of the group. What is baffling to me, as I walk along the few that are "the group" and they are arranging to go "there" from "here" together without acknowledging that I (and sometimes my children) am standing well within ear shot of them, is that they, possibly, have no idea how rude and hurtful that that is. It concerns me, that a person can be chatting with you as if you and he/ she are friends until someone that is "really" their friend walks up and how quickly they can figuratively and literally turn their back on you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I have many friends, and I am so very thankful for them. Also, I know that I have to take the initiative when it comes to squeezing myself into these circles. I have, and that initiative has been met by being ignored - not when I am one-on-one with these people (Oh no! We are friends then.) but when they are together. That hurts. And if it hurts me, the one that has been around this "group" for years, what must it feel like to others who have not been around so long that are striving to break in somehow? How must it be for my children?
I don't say all of this without an ounce of guilt or responsibility. I am certain that I have been to blame at some point in not "opening the friendship circle" to another, but I hope that I am generally sensitive to others and that I am not characterized by that. I hope that I am teaching my children basic manners - when you are inviting a group of people to go have fun with you, you either invite everyone that is around or you keep your mouth shut about the fun that you are all about to go have around those that are not invited. And I am not saying that we all need to be best friends to everyone all of the time. I'm not! I have a few dear, dear friends that are specifically special to me, and I love our time spent together. But, I think when people are in a group setting, there need to be some inclusion in conversation and that special times planned with special friends should not be talked about around others. (You know? Like in elementary school when they teach you not to send birthday party invitations to school unless everyone is invited?!?) And I thoroughly think that if you are Christian - one that cares to show love to others - that this should be a basic understanding.
So, there you have it. My rant of the day. Again, I am not pointing fingers at anyone without examining myself also. Maybe - just maybe - this will give us all (myself included) a little reminder of the elementary idea of "It is nice to be nice."
Friday, May 16, 2008
Watch Out Kids... It's Gonna Get Ugly
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5 comments:
Excellent post. I can relate. Not only have I frequently been discluded from circles, but I've actually been asked to leave -- which stunned me, as you can imagine. It wasn't until I stepped up, became a leader, and created my own circle that I found some degree of relationship. Then when Zachary died, other people realized I don't suck.
Building friendships and developing relationships is indeed two-sided, but effort is sometimes irrelevant. This issue seems so common in this region. I've literally been all over the world, and I've never been anywhere more difficult to make and keep friends.
What's unfortunate is the fact that it continues, and particularly within the body of Christ. I was talking to a friend last week who has been a member of the same church for years -- she's involved in everything, she attends everything, she reaches out, she tries, and yet, there is no reciprocation or sense of being welcomed. She is often so lonely, and recently mentioned looking elsewhere to call home.
It's sad and it's a real problem.
Nothing new under the sun, is there? I hear this same thing from people in our fellowship who are in leadership positions. They lead, pour themselves out for those who are hurting, but never get invited to do fun stuff or to just hang out with folks unless someone wants something from them or unless they are the initiators. Bummer, but God's grace is sufficient, isn't it? Now when it's the kids who are being hurt that's when the "Mama Bear Syndrome" goes into action... hence this sweet girl's latest blog entry and a true example of righteous anger.
You have no idea how many times I have felt that way @ church, mostly because I was one of the only "non-stay at home" moms. Guess no one felt I would have anything in common with them.
Oh well, guess it happens to us all.
Like Amanda, I just had to step up and make my own group! :)
Hey girl! I have to tell you that I think every woman feels this way. Friendships are important to us and when we feel "ousted" from the group it's an attack on our person. Why don't they like me? Unfortunately I've been ousted and I've been the ouster. I've never intentionally left anyone out but it has happened. I think that when we're adults it's hard to get in good quality friend time and so we tend to protect it fiercely and then others feel left out. Not an excuse for those of us that have left others out but at least some insight maybe.
We should all take note and like you said, be nice. It doesn't feel good to be rejected and certainly when it's our kids it feels TERRIBLE. You just want to protect them!
Preach it sister!!! Wish I were better at pushing myself into the cirlces or creating my own, life would be a little easier and fun.
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