Remembering

Today I went to a birthday party for the twin daughters of my friend...

4 years ago my 2 best friends had babies 2 days apart in the same hospital. I was due to have a baby that month as well. I lost that baby which was devastating. Thankfully, I conceived a new baby and was pregnant during those 2 days that my friends were becoming mommies again. There was almost an audible sigh of relief among our circle of friends when they would hear the news that I was expecting again... at least I would be pregnant when my friends' babies would be born. At least I would be pregnant when my first due date came and went.

That June four years ago, I was honored to be with one of my friends while she delivered her precious baby boy, and I was at the hospital all day ready to be by my other friend's side as much as possible after her c-section and as she adjusted to life with twins. While it was emotional as I thought of the baby that I "should be carrying" - the one that should be growing up with my friends' children - it was tolerable because now I had something else to focus on - this new baby. A healing salve, of sorts. I was sure of it.

Shortly after my friends came home from the hospital with their new little ones, I began to miscarry... again. It was almost unbelievable. Truly. Unbelievable.

Time has passed on, and although that old phrase is so easy to say... it has not healed all wounds. But it has helped. Generally, I am okay now. When I think about my lost ones, I sometimes ponder what they should have been and what they are now, but I am not often too sad.

Today. I am sad. The birthday party - and a million other things like it tend to be akin to the experience of ripping the band-aid off of an old wound. That wound happens to be in my heart. I can't help but watch those little 4 year olds and imagine what mine would have been like. How he or she - or one of both - would have played with their little friends. How they would have loved the circus party today too.

So, when I came home, I had to decompress. I got in a dark, hot bath and consciously let it flood me. All of it. Then, I consciously stopped it. I made myself remember the good things about those days with my friends in the hospital not just the nightmare that the days that followed were for me. I tried not to focus on the fact that my babies were not here today for this party, and I thought about what celebrating they might be doing today in heaven. I thought about the baby that I did get to have all of the fun, wonderful things that he brings into my life every day. I tried to piece together the things that God has used to bring good from bad. Instead of just thinking about all that is lost, I thought of all that I have gained and learned from this situation. Instead of thinking only about all that changed because of my losses and the aftermath of them, I recounted all of the positive things that I have gotten to experience that I am certain that I would not have if my life had not been turned upside down. So today, I am somber. I miss my babies. I miss things the way that they were, but I am peacefully reflecting on where I am today because of it all. And I am content. Thank you Jesus!