Monday, June 30, 2008
Quote Of The Day
My Boys
I'm sorry... but these boys are just too cute. And they're MINE! Sometimes that hits me, and I am baffled. How did this happen? Me. A mom! Their mom!!! I just love them so much!
Friday, June 27, 2008
"Claire-i-Poo"
Today we ran some errands with Claire and Emily then they came over to play for a while. During that time Cooper started calling her "Claire-i-Poo". It was so cute!
This evening, we are watching Claire Bear while her parents go on a date. (after goodbye-kisses of course) Cooper was so excited to call his daddy and say, "I am playing with Claire again! We are playing so many fun games."
We are so blessed to have a cousin/ niece so close by share fun times with!
Basketball Camp '08
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A Little Piece Of Happy
When we moved into this house in the spring there were several things that I did not care for... on the top of the list was the hall bathroom. Someone had previously painted over the wallpaper with stark white paint (seams showing through) and had painted the baseboards and door dark gray/ black. It was UGLY. There is just not another way to describe it. Well, that little bathroom, as hideous as it was, was not on the top of our to do list, but I finally got to it this week. I love the way that it turned out!
And my thrifty side just has to share...
I textured over the wallpaper with a $6 tub of joint compound.
I painted with a gallon of mismixed paint from Home Depot that was normally $35... I paid $5 for it off the clearance rack.
The glaze was my big expense at $13.
I tore up a t-shirt (right off of Corey's back, literally) to apply most of the glaze.
I went to Hobby Lobby and got the hooks for 50% off (7.99 for both), and I got the shelf above the potty and the organizing containers on the counter (otherwise known as flower pots) from the garden super-duper-clearance section. I think that the shelf was $9 and the containers were $1.33.
And I was so happy with the amount of time that it all took too. I did the texture in a couple of hours with the big kids were at basketball camp on Monday. Today my friend, Kim, and I did the paint in a couple of hours. (Again, while the kids were at camp.) Thanks Kim!!! Then tonight Corey and I glazed the walls and hung things on the walls which took another couple of hours. Thanks Corey!!!
And it was all SO worth it! I walk by that bathroom now and just feel all happy inside. :)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Opening Up The Box... Among Other Things
I have written before about two special boxes that I have in my home - they contain memories of my lost babies and some of the things that have come into my life because of them. Today I opened one of the boxes as I reminisced about June 24th four years ago. That is the day that my little one left its home in my body to go to its eternal home in heaven. I looked at the little sonogram photo, I ran my finger across the video tape that documents that a baby was in fact here - living inside of me, I held the tiny jar of Gerber sweet potatoes that Corey brought home from the grocery store on the day that we got a positive pregnancy test, I read cards that had come attached to flowers from friends and looked over the dozens of other cards and e-mails that I received, I ran my finger across the business card from the funeral home where we took our tiny one, and I read my journal.
All of this is therapeutic for me. I need to go there sometimes. Not often, but I need to recall certain things at certain times, and today was one of those times. I need to remember this thing that defines me. I once heard that someone said that we should not be defined by our tragedy, but I have to disagree... If we are defined and refined by it, I think that it could be the biggest tool that the Lord uses to use us. For me, I pray that that is the case... or will be someday. My losses have definitely impacted me more than some that endure the same thing, but I am so thankful to God for my little ones that changed my life. I am new because of them. For that, I love them - and Him - even more.
So today I remember ---
Four years ago, yesterday, I had hope. We had seen a heartbeat on a sonogram screen, and my doctor told me that despite the bleeding, once they saw a heartbeat there is a "less than 5% chance of miscarriage". Sadly, I was the less than 5%. Hope soon became elusive.
When I miscarried, I was at home - just me and Jack, who was 4 at the time and oblivious to all that was going on around him. I ran to the phone, hysterically called Corey at work, and screamed into it that I was holding my baby in my hand. In his confusion, he hung his phone up, and miraculously - there is not another word for it - my friend, Elizabeth, happened to be on the line. She happened to be calling me just as I was disconnected from Corey. She said, "I'll be right there." My friend, Jennifer, happened to call a matter of seconds after that. Truly, this is a miracle. I have never had people "happen to call me" at just the right moment like they did that day any other time in my life. In a matter of moments, both of my dear friends were at my house as I waited for my husband to arrive from his job 45 minutes away, my sister, Sara, was on her way from out of town, and my friend, Jenny, who had a newborn was at my door picking up my little Jack and taking him to my friend, Stacy's house. Many, many friends and family literally swooped in, and in a matter of moments I was being carried. When Corey and I went to the doctor's office Jennifer called and asked if she could come sit in the waiting room - for the sole purpose of praying for me. That night, Jenny came and crawled into my bed with me and said nothing except, "I'll cry with you." That was every single thing that I needed to hear at that moment. In the next few days, my parents, my other sister, my brother and his wife had all come to help with me in any way that they could. I had friends come and get my older kids when I didn't even know that I needed them to. I had two friends in particular that called daily - sometimes several times a day - not to ask, "Are you okay?" but specifically, "What is going on in you right now?" I received meals for weeks and someone at church organized cards that were sent to me randomly for months. I have since written in my journal that these people were "God in flesh" to me at a time when God seemed forever away. They threw the rescue floatation device to me as I was drowning in the storm. I will be forever grateful.
At the end of that day four years ago, I wrote in my journal, "I pray that if God grants me anything, it will be the ability to be at peace with Him again and with myself. Both of those things seem so elusive right now."
Today, 4 years later, I can whole heartedly say that He has done just that. It has taken almost every single day of crying out to Him for those 4 years, but He has met me. He has comforted me. He has shown me that He is sovereign. He was not surprised that I lost my babies or that I was so impacted by it. He has loved me through every single step of this very difficult journey. And, He will love me through the rest of them too. The thing about loss is that it is never over. Different people react to it different ways, but it is forever a part of you once it has happened to you. I used to resist that, but today I am content with it.
So today, I feel the need to say that I am thankful to those of you that were God in the flesh for me and carried me when I could not carry myself. Those of you that have loved me unconditionally even when I did not make sense to you. Those of you that met me where I was and didn't rush me to move on any faster than I could. Those of you that love me today for the person that I have evolved into even though I tried like heck to remain the person that I was. Those that will love me tomorrow and next month and next year - no matter what.
I am so very grateful for a God that waited with me and pursued me when I didn't know how to pursue Him. It is not that I didn't want to... it is that there was a bigger plan in motion. I could not control the amount of comfort and peace that He would measure out to me. Believe me, I would have moved on years ago if I could have. But God's timing has led me to this place at this moment, and I am okay with that now.
Tonight I was sneaking out the door to go to the cemetery where my little one is buried. Allie saw me leaving and asked if she could come too, so she and went there together. It was the first time that she has joined me there, and it was beyond special to me to share this night with her. I am thankful that she made me let her go with me. We talked about things that no mother should have to talk to her child about, but it is a part of our family now... it is a part of us... so that made our conversation very sacred.
Today, I feel like on this anniversary of my little one I was given the birthday gift. Through some miraculous situations during the last few weeks, I feel like I am beginning new. Maybe this anniversary is the beginning of a new era and the end of an old one. Oh, I'll never move on or forget or get over it... I don't even want to. I am okay here. This is who I am, and I am okay.
Makes Me Laugh Monday
I know, I know... This is Tuesday, but I just remembered something that made me laugh - really hard - on Monday.
Corey and I went on a dessert date last night to this quaint little place that we had been wanting to visit. They have a patio and the weather was perfect. So, we went in and looked at the choices. He chose carrot cake. I chose chocolate. We went out on the patio with our coffee, cake, and a laptop to do some planning on. The atmosphere was fabulous. The food... not so much. But that was okay, we were enjoying our time together. The waitress came and asked us, "How was the cake?" Corey said, "It was okay... a little stale." She got a really confused look on her face and said, "Really?!? We just got that cake out a week ago."
A WEEK AGO?!?!?
We died laughing!
Monday, June 23, 2008
That's What I'm Sayin'
I was reading at a blog of a girl that works for Steven Curtis Chapman. Her name is Kerry Hassenbalg. She has suffered some serious loss of her own and is now walking along side of the Chapman family as they morn an unimaginable loss. Her entry on June 17, 2008 read like the words were coming out of my own heart... I had to share. You should read it. No really, you should read it! I'll wait for you.
Oh good! You're back.
When I was writing Remembering - the blog entry that I posted on Sunday - the little voice inside of my head said, "Don't you think that you have talked about this enough? Don't you think that every single person around of you is tired of your sad, dramatic story? Don't you think that you should be over this by now? Don't you think that you could pull yourself up by your bootstraps and just be the person that you were? Can't you just be normal?" And I almost did not post my thoughts. The main reasons that I did are because:
1) I am determined for my blog to be mine. Not something that I necessarily think someone might be interested in reading... but my true thoughts and feelings. My journey.
2)I am determined to share my journey so that maybe someone else's will be half a step shorter than mine. I want people that have suffered loss to realize that they are not alone if 4 years down the road or 40 years down the road they are still missing their loved one and learning from their situation. I can't tell you how many women that I have talked to since my miscarriages that were profoundly impacted by their losses. Their lives were literally changed by them. Before that point, I don't know if I had heard that from even one person. So, I felt very alone at first as I felt like my life was out of control on so many levels.
3) I am determined to leave a legacy for my children. I want them to know that this was the spiritual path that their mother walked. This is what she felt when this-or-that happened. This is the pain that she felt, the lessons that she learned, the way that God worked things together for her and for our family.
4) I do not want to "waste my sorrow". I am determined to get every last stinkin' thing out of this learning experience that I can so that maybe I will not have to revisit it and maybe I can stand with others that find themselves in similar situations and maybe I can be sympathetic to anyone in the midst of any sort of trial because of the things that I learned from mine.
Kerry is right... stuff floats to the top after a storm. There is usually an ugly aftermath that takes a long time to get through, but in the end, I pray that there truly will be beauty from ashes - no matter how long it takes.
Swimming Lessons = Summer
It seems that for years and years of summers at least one of my kids has been in swimming lessons. Last year the big kids even took a class where they learned some swim strokes. There is something about swimming lessons that just makes me feel like summer is in full swing.
Today, Cooper started lessons for the first time. We are taking them from a friend with a group of friends at a friend's house. What could be better? He did really good today, and I was proud of him! He was so cautious last week when we swam that I didn't know if he would be hesitant today, but he loved it! He practiced blowing bubbles, kicking, getting into and out of the pool safely, moving along the side of the pool with his hands (like a monkey of course), putting his face in the water while he blows bubbles, and even took a few under water dips. I am really hoping that he is swimming on his own by the end of the classes... we'll see.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tears Are Flowing
I just clicked on a blog.
Nicole Nordeman is singing I Am.
It is just for me.
Right now.
It is for my heart.
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed
You watched my team win
You watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero
Come if You can
You said, I Am
Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10pm?
You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And you said, I Am
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am
The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End
I Am
Yes, I Am
Remembering
Today I went to a birthday party for the twin daughters of my friend...
4 years ago my 2 best friends had babies 2 days apart in the same hospital. I was due to have a baby that month as well. I lost that baby which was devastating. Thankfully, I conceived a new baby and was pregnant during those 2 days that my friends were becoming mommies again. There was almost an audible sigh of relief among our circle of friends when they would hear the news that I was expecting again... at least I would be pregnant when my friends' babies would be born. At least I would be pregnant when my first due date came and went.
That June four years ago, I was honored to be with one of my friends while she delivered her precious baby boy, and I was at the hospital all day ready to be by my other friend's side as much as possible after her c-section and as she adjusted to life with twins. While it was emotional as I thought of the baby that I "should be carrying" - the one that should be growing up with my friends' children - it was tolerable because now I had something else to focus on - this new baby. A healing salve, of sorts. I was sure of it.
Shortly after my friends came home from the hospital with their new little ones, I began to miscarry... again. It was almost unbelievable. Truly. Unbelievable.
Time has passed on, and although that old phrase is so easy to say... it has not healed all wounds. But it has helped. Generally, I am okay now. When I think about my lost ones, I sometimes ponder what they should have been and what they are now, but I am not often too sad.
Today. I am sad. The birthday party - and a million other things like it tend to be akin to the experience of ripping the band-aid off of an old wound. That wound happens to be in my heart. I can't help but watch those little 4 year olds and imagine what mine would have been like. How he or she - or one of both - would have played with their little friends. How they would have loved the circus party today too.
So, when I came home, I had to decompress. I got in a dark, hot bath and consciously let it flood me. All of it. Then, I consciously stopped it. I made myself remember the good things about those days with my friends in the hospital not just the nightmare that the days that followed were for me. I tried not to focus on the fact that my babies were not here today for this party, and I thought about what celebrating they might be doing today in heaven. I thought about the baby that I did get to have all of the fun, wonderful things that he brings into my life every day. I tried to piece together the things that God has used to bring good from bad. Instead of just thinking about all that is lost, I thought of all that I have gained and learned from this situation. Instead of thinking only about all that changed because of my losses and the aftermath of them, I recounted all of the positive things that I have gotten to experience that I am certain that I would not have if my life had not been turned upside down. So today, I am somber. I miss my babies. I miss things the way that they were, but I am peacefully reflecting on where I am today because of it all. And I am content. Thank you Jesus!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Summer Fun
This week has really felt like summer. We have crammed a ton of fun in and have enjoyed lots of rest times too! The big kids went to VBS this past week - Allie was actually a leader this year! (She's getting so big!) On Friday, the kids and I had a great time at the water park. Cooper finally warmed up to the water a bit - thank goodness... since he has swimming lessons next week! That evening, our church had its Vacation Bible School finale which was tons of fun - pony rides, a petting zoo, tons of bounce houses, a rock climbing wall, water inflatables, sno-cones, popcorn, cookies, lemonade, face and hair painting, and of course... The Boogie Woogie Choo-Choo. My kids have been riding on this particular man's barrel train at events like this their entire lives. My sister and niece were able to join us this year which was really, really fun. Claire Bear is such a cutie, and I love seeing her and my kids play together.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!
Happy Blogoversary To ME!!!
Everyone, put on your party hats and grab your noise makers! It's my blogoversary! Today is one year since I started For What It's Worth. I love blogging... writing entries, sharing photos, reading about my family and friends' lives... Here's to another year of sharin' my stuff. Stay tuned.
Now, I am off to the water park with my kids to celebrate the first official day of summer.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Just Because
My sister recently had a form of this photo of Corey and me on her blog. (Thanks for the anniversary shout out, Em!) I love this picture, and wanted to put it on my blog as well... just because. It was taken at my sister Emily's and her husband Allan's wedding reception in Palm Springs, California in 2005. It was a beautiful and fun night! I have great memories of that entire trip! Jack and I flew out together, and it was so fun to take him on an airplane ride! (Corey & Allie flew out later.) While we were in California my entire side of the family went to the beach together. It was a cloudy day in January, so there was not much splashing in the ocean going on, but it was still beautiful! I was pregnant with Cooper, and it was one of the best stages of my life so far.
For The Sake Of Posting...
I've been a bit brain blocked for the last couple of days... I found this on a friend's blog and thought that I'd try it. (It's early, so I am doing 3 things instead of 5 like her.)
3 Things I'm Diggin' Today:
Cloudy skies and a rainy morning
My new PJs with flamingos on them
One-on-one time with my little one
3 Things I'm Not Diggin' Today:
Uncertainty
A garage full of boxes that I don't want to deal with
A friend that is hurting
Things On My To Do List:
Go through boxes
Clean out my van
Put away my laundry
3 Cars I've Had:
Chevrolet Caprise Classic
Toyota Camry
Honda Odyssey minivan
3 Books I Like:
Redeeming Love
Nineteen Minutes
The Memory Keeper's Daughter
3 Memorable Moments:
10/31 - baby #1
2/4 - baby #2
6/3 - baby #3
Tag... you're it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Remembering Al
Once there was a boy named Allee Wade. Al had polio as a child, one of his lungs collapsed, he spent tons of time in hospitals, and he was not expected to live to be an adult. Well, Al - A.W. to his friends - grew up, got married, and had 5 kids. The 4th of those kids is named Corey. My husband. Corey had a very special relationship with his dad. When I met him, I would say that he even idolized him. He has great childhood memories of times spent with his dad. When we started dating, we would go to family reunions and people would call him "Al's boy", and I would see his face light up. When Corey was 13, his dad passed away. Not that there is ever a "good time" for a child to lose a parent, but I would have to guess that 13 is about the roughest time for a boy to lose his dad.
Although it has been many years since Al passed away and the family has adjusted to his absence, there are times that it just hurts that he is not here. Sometimes I wonder about what it would be like if my kids had gotten to know their Grandpa. I think about what it would be like if he could have seen Corey become a father to a baby that was named after him. I think about how cool it would be if he could be a part of the hunting trips that Corey has started taking his son on - like the ones that he remembers his dad taking him on. I dream about holidays where we could take our kids to Grandma and Grandpa's house and imagine what kind of relationship that he might have with my kids - all 15 of his grandkids for that matter. I wonder how Corey would be different if he had his dad around, and I long for Al to get to see the man that his little boy became. I know that he would be proud. I don't let my mind go there very often, but lately I have thought of him a lot.
It all kind of started a couple of weekends ago at a family wedding. Corey's cousin's daughter was getting married. When Corey's Uncle Bob - Al's brother that just happens to look almost identical to him - walked down the aisle with that trademark smile (Corey's got that smile too), I unexpectedly started to cry. I had never let my mind go that far... but that night I did. Bob was getting to see his beautiful grandaughter get married... and she was getting to see him on this very special day of her life. His smile said everything - how much he loves her, how proud he is of her. It was a smile that I long for my daughter to see her grandpa flash at her. My heart ached. Later I talked to Corey's sister about it, and she had had the same type thoughts. As her daughter is approaching marriage and motherhood, I am sure that she longs to see her daddy's reaction to it all.
Death is such an interesting thing. No matter how many millions of people have survived it before us... and no matter how many times we survive it ourselves... and no matter how many years it has been since we have lost our loved ones... it seems that we, as humans, cannot accept that it is part of life. It always hurts. A lot.
So, today as the time of year that he died is upon us, I am thinking about Al. Wishing that things were different - for Corey, for my kids, for all of us. I can't wait until that day that we are all together. I just have a feeling that he will be there to welcome us into heaven with that smile.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Happy Father's Day, Corey!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A Weekend Away
This weekend we went to a hotel near home for a mini-vacation to celebrate our anniversary and Father's Day. It was a blast! Very relaxing and fun for all of us.