I am having trouble getting to sleep tonight, so I did something that I hardly ever do. We have 2 boxes in our house that are so special. They contain things that are remnants of the memories that we have of the expectation of the two babies that we lost, and tonight I looked through them.
After I lost the first baby, I knew that I must have something tangible... a reminder of sorts that this baby, my baby, really was here. It existed. My love for it existed. So, I got a box to put the pregnancy tests, congratulations cards, sympathy cards, Christmas gifts that it had just received, etc. in. Who knew that just 6 months later, I would have to go buy another box. That one not only contains all sorts of cards and printed e-mails, it has pictures and a video tape of a sonogram. A beating heart. My baby. Both boxes contain the sacred thoughts that I journaled throughout the days and weeks that followed my losses, and as I read over them, for the first time in years, I was surprised at the things that I had forgotten, blocked out, didn't remember. At the time that I wrote them, I would never have thought that I could forget a detail of my experiences. I am so glad that I have them now. I am glad that I can revisit that time. I am glad that I can remember what little there is to remember. I am glad to be reminded of the outpouring of kindness that we received in the days that followed that tragic time in our family. I am glad to see that I have grown since then. I have healed. I am healing. 
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The 2 Boxes
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6 comments:
You know, my situation in no way compares...but I have a "Addi" box. To me it's really called a "Nicole" box. It's almost like Addi and Nicole are two different people. Before I met Addi, I would always pull out her box just prior to and on her birthday. And any other time I felt sad. It has pictures, her hospital bracelet, the outfit she would have worn home had she been a boy, some socks and an outfit she wore in the hospital, a little yarn bow the nursery put on her...etc. I have a notebook full of letters to her and to her adoptive mom. I've never let them read them. Too personal. But it is amazing the comfort that little box brings...and the memories it recalls.
I'm glad you have yours too.
It does compare, Sweet Elizabeth, and I am glad that you have your Nicole box! And you know what?... As I was reading through my account of what happened in those sad days, your name kept coming up as one that was walking right beside me the whole time. I don't know what I would have done without you. Really! Thank you, friend.
:-)
I am so thankful that you have held on to these tangible memories of your babies. More and more recently I have thought about your two little ones in heaven and how fun it is going to be to meet them face to face one day. I know that you will always feel the hole that was left in your life without these two little ones and I hate that for you, but I am so thankful to see that you are surviving adn healing although never forgetting. You are a good mama to your three babies that you can hold in your arms and the two babies you can hold in heart and dreams. Love you sister and I love your five precious babies, my nieces and nephews!!!
Thank you Em. Thanks for loving me and trying to understand me. Thanks for loving my babies - all of them - and taking care of my heart. I love you too!
It's taken me a few days to know what to say Amy. I think of your two heavenly babies so often. I think about how old they'd be in this time frame; I wonder what they look like and do they somehow know from where they live that they are loved so much here on earth as well? I mostly think happy thoughts about those two. I think they are probably good buddies and that they are having so much fun playing and growing in the Lord. No cares, no worldly struggles, never a tear or a sad moment for eternity already. I'm sure they know Grandpa Andrick, Granny and Pap, and Corey's dad. I'm sure of it! I miss them too, but hasn't God been so gracious to give all of us a very real glimpse of the reality of heaven because your babies were here and have gone on to be with Him? Our temptation... or I should say... MY temptation is to get so attached to earthly possessions and experiences at times. I think the lives of your little ones who we have yet to meet, have brought my perspective into balance. I can more easily say, "Come quickly Lord Jesus!" and not grieve for more time in this realm. I think that is something that certainly changes with age as well. I'm thankful that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. (I Thess. 4:13-18) Here is a picture of what I think God has shown me for you today sweet girl; a vision of a moment that is still to come; I see you on that day of the trumpet of God when we are all taken up together; certainly we rejoice and are in awe of the face of Jesus; certainly that would be enough to last all eternity long, but He takes pleasure in seeing you meet your babies face to face as well. I see you... and Corey too; clothed in white with a heavenly glow on your faces; you're running through the happy crowd with an expectation that is more certain than anything you've ever known and then you see them! They see you and know you; they run with laughter and smiles right into your arms. Oh sweet reunion!!
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