4 Years

Four years ago today my life changed. I took my first steps of a journey I didn't want to go on. I experienced heartache like I had never known before. Because of that heartache and this journey I have now experienced love like I never had before and for that I am thankful.

On that Christmas 4 years ago, there was a gift from Allie to a baby that she had been dreaming of holding for years. It was a matching outfit and bib and tiny little teddy bear from Baby Gap... mint green because she didn't know if this baby was a new brother or sister. On that Christmas 4 years ago, there was a tiny little stocking hung on our mantel by Jack... the big brother in waiting. Santa filled it with Winnie The Pooh pacifiers that Christmas. Throughout the experience of my miscarriage I would take the baby stocking down, and Jack would find it and put it back up... "for the next baby" "for a new baby" "not for our dead baby", he would say in his little 3-year-old voice.

I never knew how impacting that day four years ago would be. I never knew that I would never have another Christmas and not remember the pajamas I was wearing when it started, the towel that I dried my hands with, the way the bathroom floor felt as I laid on it, the way that I cried as my little boy rode his new bike outside while I laid in bed and tried to save something that I ultimately had no control over. All of it. I remember all of it. Especially at Christmas. I never knew how because of all of this my life would change. I would become a different person. My love would be deeper, my priorities would be different, my relationships would change, my highs would be higher, and I would live with some very low lows.

So, at Christmas, as I remember Jesus' birth, I am extra thoughtful about where He is now and that 2 of my 5 children might be sitting on his lap instead of Santa's. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He came to this lowly earth to create a way for them to get into his presence and a way for me to join them someday.