I Can Only Imagine

Tonight Allie and I were in the car, and a song from a few years ago came on the radio - I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me.  

I can only imagine 
What it will be like 
When I walk 
By your side 

I can only imagine 
What my eyes will see 
When your face 
Is before me 
I can only imagine 

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel 
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still 
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall 
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all 
I can only imagine 

I can only imagine 
When that day comes 
And I find myself 
Standing in the Son 

I can only imagine 
When all I will do 
Is forever 
Forever worship You 
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do 
Is forever, forever worship you

As we drove, I remembered a time years ago that I heard that song, and I have to record it...

In June 2004 I miscarried for the second time in 6 months.  Both times I went through the process at home as opposed to going to the hospital for a D&C.  The first time, I did not know exactly when I lost my baby.  For months afterwards, I was haunted by that. With the second miscarriage, I knew exactly when I lost my baby.  It was traumatic, and I was horrified to see that my pregnancy and my baby's life were infact over, but having experienced both ways - seeing it and not seeing it - I was honored that I got to see my baby the second time.  It looked perfect.  All-together perfect!  It was so tiny that I could cradle it in the cup of my hand.  When I called my doctor's office to let them know that I had lost my baby, they told me to come in to see my doctor in a couple of hours.  I held my little one non-stop for those hours.  As small and unviable as it was, it was mine.  Part of me.  I loved it with all of my heart.  I still do.  When, I went to my appointment, I immediately found my nurse and told her that I was holding my baby in hopes that I could go into an examining room right away.  Unfortunately, all of the rooms were full, so I sat, crying and holding my tiny baby, in a waiting room full of expectant mothers with their bulging bellies - they had no idea what was going on only a few chairs away. When I finally got to the examining  room, I talked to my doctor for a moment then my nurse came and asked me if I was ready to give her the baby.  I had no idea what they were going to do with it if I did... or what I would do with it if I didn't, but at that moment I was not ready.  I held it for a bit longer, but I knew that I could not hold it forever.  Now, I have always noticed music on in my doctor's office, but I have never - until that day or since that day - noticed Christian music.  I would have noticed.  But that day, they had a Christian radio station on and the song, I Can Only Imagine, was being played.  I could not believe it.  I still can't.  It was perfect. While I sat there and mustered up what it took to hand my baby over for what I thought would be forever,  I got the chance to sit and hold it while that song played and I imagined what it might be doing at that very moment.  I could only imagine.  I think that hearing that song in that moment is one of the sweetest gifts that God has given me in my life. It gave me what I needed to be able to hand over my baby... my dreams.  So now, each time that I hear that song I am transported to that heartbreaking moment where I was blown away with the pendulum of life, and I imagine what my baby might be doing in right now Heaven... For now, I can only imagine.