Surprised By Myself

Today I was listening to a song called Blessed Be Your Name, and I found myself singing along. I was surprised by myself. That song and I have some history. Not a very good history, but a history.

Here are the lyrics:

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
album: Where Angels Fear To Tread (2002)
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

When I first heard it, I loved it.

Then I did not.

Almost 4 years ago when I lost my first baby it was "the song" in our church... you know, the one that is sung almost every week. The one that everyone loves - until they are all burned out by it. Come to find out, it was "the song" in every church that I was to visit in the couple of years that followed. I could not get away from it no matter how hard I tried. The first time that I went back to church after my loss, that song was being sung. Not only could I not sing it. I had to leave church. It was too much! I could not sing those words. I could not stand there and watch people flippantly sing those words. I was in "the dessert place, the wilderness, the road marked with suffering", and I could not sing - flippantly, like I had before - "Blessed be your name". There came a time when I was able to tolerate it when the song was sung, but I definitely could not sing it. It hurt too bad. I did not understand the "gives and takes away" part. I was living it, but I could not comprehend it or accept it. Then, I remember a day that I made myself sing it - kind of. I had this talk with God that went something like this..."I don't understand you. I mean it! I REALLY don't understand you. But right now, I choose to say, 'Blessed be your name'. But you are going to have to help me out here. I don't have the strength to do it on my own." He did. I literally felt Him come under my arms and help lift them up to praise Him. The act, in and of itself, was a metaphor for the life I was living. I couldn't walk on that "road marked with suffering" without Him. He had to carry me. There was certainly "pain in the offering", but it had to be done.

The next chapter in my love/hate relationship with this song was written about 6 months ago. My dear friend was laying her baby to rest. If I had been on road marked with suffering before, she was at the place that that road ended up. The very depths of suffering. At that memorial service - only days after her face to face with the death of her son and her dreams - she was able to lift her hands and praise the One that could have changed the outcome of her little one's life. I was astonished. Amazed by her faith! Because of her faith, I am one step closer to a place where I can say, "You give and take away. My heart will choose to say Blessed be your name"... maybe a little more quickly than I was before. This is what she has to say about worship... (It gives me chill bumps.) "Worship is lovely when when there's love in the air, but worship is relevant when everything hurts." I could not agree more.

So, this song that I once liked, then hated, I now love. I can sing it. I can mean it. I still hurts sometimes, but I can do it. And when I do, it is relevant and deep.