Tick-Tock

Okay, I usually think of myself as a young chick, but yesterday I saw something that made my biological clock's alarm go off. Oprah had a doctor on her show that has written a book about perimenopause/ menopause, and she was recommending it for women 35 and up. YIKES! I am nearing that age range, and I am not ready to be perimenopausal!

I never thought the window of time that I would be having babies would be so short, but in the big picture it really is. I wish that I had realized that years ago. Years ago, at the beginning of my baby-having-journey, I think that I thought that we could decide when babies would come into our family and control just how many of them would arrive. Now that my big ol' biological clock is staring me in the face and now that I have lived life for a bit longer, I realize how truly out of my control it all is. Before we had our first baby we would talk, all sure of ourselves, about how we were going to be married for about 5 years before we started our family then we would have 4 or 5 babies. Well, we were married 4 1/2 years when baby #1 arrived. We were right on track. When, we decided to have baby #2 it took us 14 months to concieve him, and I got a glimpse into the baby-thing being out of my hands. After that, life was busy... and hard. Corey was starting a new company, and it just didn't seem like the "right time" to have another baby. In retrospect, I now know that no time is the "right time"... it is always hard to have a baby and you always has to make huge adjustments to add a new member to the family, but it is always worth it. I wish that I had realized that years ago. Baby #3 was our one and only "surprise". It came at a time that made no financial sense for our family, but we were instantly thrilled that it was on its way. Sadly, 10 weeks later that baby was gone but the dream that it birthed in us for a third baby remained. Now we knew what we were missing and what we really wanted. Baby #4 came and went almost as quickly as the one before it had, and our desire for a child to hold and love was more intense than ever. Still not making any sense "on the books" to have another baby, we knew that we had to... and thankfully, we did. Baby #5 is now 2, and it makes sense in so many ways that now is the time to add to our family if we are going to. Although, again, the timing does not seem "right" in so many ways. Only this time, I can see the sand falling through my hour glass, and I know that nothing is gauranteed, and I almost frantically don't want my window of opportunity to close.

Who knew that life would pass so quickly when some days it seems to drag so slowly? For now, I have pushed "snooze" on the clock, but I cannot get back into the deep sleep where I am oblivious to the fact that I am aging, and that I am not in control of the composition of my family at all.